Subject:  Another TGIF, Laugh I nearly ....TGIF? (Trapman)..
Date:     Fri, 10 Mar 2000 104735 -0600 (CST)
From:     "Roy L. Beavers" 
To:       emfguru 
--------------------------------------------------



---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Fri, 03 Mar 2000 17:22:55 +0000
From: Jonathan Trapman 
To: EMFGURU 
Subject: Laugh I nearly ....TGIF?

Dear Roy

I wonder whether these young students went on to run the American political
and business worlds as knowledgeably as they seem to have understood the
finer points of history. To say that these quotes are from real bloopers of
English and History students in the US from eighth grade through college
level is an indictment on education and a gift to humour!!

A few snippets..

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam. and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?". God asked
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole
his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve
sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites....

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds
of columns- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a
female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by
Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.     In the
Olympic games, Greeks ran races, Jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the
java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens
was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were
no wars in Greece, as the mountains w ere so high that they couldn't climb
over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought with the
Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually the Romans conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his
poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by
a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made
him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the
Virgin queen. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself
before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah". Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims
crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed
at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on
their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in the
tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without
stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing bails
over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally,
the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states termed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of
our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.

Abraharn Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength". Abraham. Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the
Fourteenth Amendnent gave the exNegroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan
would torcher and lynch the exNegroes and other innocent victims. It claimed
it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865 Lincoln went to
the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She
sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her
life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event
which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the
Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx. became one of the
Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.


I am truly unrepentant that it is so long but I haven't the heart to edit
it, Maybe you have!!!!

Have a good weekend

jonathan

-- 
Jonathan Trapman
0044-1604-766760 tel
0044-1604-766780 fax
Willow Cottage, 28 Willow Lane
Great Houghton NORTHAMPTON
UK
jonathantrapman@dial.pipex.com

May all the beings in all the worlds be happy







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Reprinted with permission of Roy Beavers, http://www.emfguru.com